Reclaiming Your Choice: Surviving Control
We all face difficult decisions at some point in our life. However, the choices that seem so mundane and instinctive to many become obstacles for those that have been forced to surrender their choice. Upbringing, institutions and other experiences can cause a disruption in our sense of autonomy as well as sense of self in some cases. The result can be a freeze response when encountering an opportunity to choose. From what I’ve seen in the mental health sphere, factors such as helicopter parenting and intimate partner violence often serve as culprits.
In any situation, a large part of gaining control over an individual is to drain the person of themselves while simultaneously flooding in a set of ideas and limitations that only serve the manipulator. It is these experiences that lead to feelings of powerlessness. At some point, every action is tailored to that of the controller in exchange for a sense of safety. It can even seem as if one’s life is puppeteered.
The unique characteristics that make you who you are become suppressed, buried deep and covered in survival. Still existing yet suffocating
So what happens when we break free? How do we begin to re/discover our choice?
Start Small, Be Selfish
Begin paying attention to the little things as these are the easiest to change. If for 3 years you’ve been settling on frosted flakes when you really want cinnamon toast crunch get the Family Box. Change your daily routine to suit your needs rather than someone else’s preferred schedule. An indicator that you may need additional help could be that you devise consequences in lieu of your past.
“If I do this then that will happen.”
Being selfish isn’t about disregarding the needs and safety of other people but rather making your needs and desires the primary consideration before integrating external factors which you have every right to do.
When you begin making choices for yourself those that benefited most from your lack of self/boundaries will have the biggest issue.
You and the World
It’s amazing how far from ourselves we can stray under someone else’s control. This is true for how we present ourselves. Choosing how you want to adorn your body can be a means of increasing self confidence. Your appearance goes beyond whether or not you present conservative or liberal. It’s about style, comfort, and expression. So exercise your autonomy through fashion. I’m no stranger to saying “you know what...this bonnet coming with me to Publix and I dare somebody to say something.”
Also, in practicing your autonomy you may even begin to reshape your social circles. Once again, in bending to the will of institutions and people we create a world(s) that is in alignment with them in exchange for percieved privilege and security. This could also include choosing to reconnect with those that through circumstance became distant.
The process of practicing autonomy requires compassion and patience. I would even venture further to say that it begins with saying “No.” No to surrendering your preference, desires, and needs which in turn means Yes to living a life of your own.
Post originally published June 3, 2020
